The truth, when anything but pleasant news, has proven to be hard for me. I'm always wanting everything to be okay or just so or at least look that way on the surface. I'm not one to rock the boat or ruffle feather, even when necessary, it seems. I've learned the hard way that one lie has a more lasting effect than 1000 hurtful truths. But the most enlightening and crushing thing that I've learned thus far is that I'm not perfect. Well, I never thought I was perfect but I never took into account that I was anything other than a really nice person.
Reflection can be a bitch... But lately, she seems to be the realest bitch I've ever met. Someone once told me that not everyone can see themselves; that being able to see yourself is truly a gift. I would say it's a curse until it becomes a gift. I see me and it's not pretty. She's not pretty. God surely has a sense of humor. Last year, at the height of my lies, my face broke out terribly. Slowly but surely, it's been clearing up... slowly but surely I've been coming clean. First about what I did, now about who I am. But coming clean means saying that I'm selfish, I'm a liar, I'm unfaithful and deceptive. I can be manipulative and cold. It means saying I hurt people and expect that no one should hurt me. Seeing oneself doesn't mean that I don't have to acknowledge my pain, but for me, it mean realizing that a lot of my pain was self inflicted. This is my journey. It has been hard, lonely and rudely awakening.
I am in search of... self-finding.
"I bleed my heart in every line. I write to free my mind."
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