...the more they stay the same. I'm sure truer words have been spoken but tonight, none ring truer for me. More than 2 years have passed and still I feel like I'm on a proverbial merry-go-round and each rise and fall of the pony signifies the ups and downs we still seem to encounter from moment to moment. There is no love here. We are bound tightly together by fear; the fear that if we stop what we are doing, we will be required to face the world alone again. We are tightly wound together and strung through with the worry that we may or may not meet another and that we may accidentally slip into love again. But what if she is like me or he is like you? We can't bear to meet another us in the world. We can't bear to be open, be broken, to lose. And I fear the failure. I love you madly, deeply and I tried to fight for your affections with all I had. Still, I cannot achieve the feat of even making you acknowledge that the woman who stands before you is not the same one who will forget your feelings and crush your spirit again - let alone love me. Today, I'm not even sure that you like me but I'm pretty sure you liked me earlier. Maybe my judgement is off or maybe you deserved and Oscar and I an Emmy for the daytime performances I give everyday when some asks about our happy life. Im miserable. You're miserable. We keep saying enough, enough, ENOUGH! But how come no one will be daring enough to walk away? Then here I come with my foolish logic: it's because he really, actually loves me and he really doesn't want to be without me. One day things will be okay... 8 years of on-and-off later and I'm still riding that merry-go-round. Three years of being faithful and still not hearing that I'm yours or being confident in the fact that your mine. What are we doing here?
In search of clarity, strength and a moment of peace that I can finesse into a lifetime of happiness.
