I talked to my mom yesterday. It was an amazingly interesting talk. She gave me insight and I listened. She spoke your heart and she didn't even know it. She told me things about myself so plainly; things I realize you've been trying to get me to understand. Things you've said plainly too, but I couldn't accept about myself. You can't begin to change things you won't even accept I realized yesterday. And I listened to her because she was human to me. She wasn't the horrid person I know vividly. She was a woman who opened her mouth and admitted her flaws, her bad example setting. And in that moment, I could accept her critique because I knew it came from a place of love and genuine concern. Something I was certain couldn't come from her when it dealt with me. It made me want to give her another chance.
You love that man, she said. Down to the dirty drawls, she said. I do, I said. But you're ability to be so single minded is probably the exact thing that's scared him, she said. You love him so much but in a moment you can compartmentalize that, and every other feeling to get/do what you want right then, she said. That probably scares him that he has to wonder if you'll think of him and do the right things, she said. I couldn't say anything. You think people are stupid, she said. You get that from your father. You think you can do something, clean it up and no one will ever find out, she said. And you've always got an excuse, she said.
You're right, I said. It's all I could say. She made it so plain and I never looked at it that way when you tried to tell me. I'd argue the point even. That's what he says, I said. And I wanted to cry. You're so bright, she said. But you're your own worst enemy. You're smart, but not that smart, is what she told me. She said she prayed that things work out because she knows I love you. We talked for hours and I wished you were a fly on the wall. If you could see me facing things head on and not making excuses like you always told me.
Bring something to table, she said. It doesn't have to be a whole lot of money, but you have to be smart, savvy. That's what she told me and for 2 hours I talked and wished I'd stop despising my mother 4 years ago so she could have said these things to me and I could have understood. So that I could be laying next to you and not counting days.
It's day one and although I feel like I've just had a major breakthrough, I feel more alone than ever. I'm losing my best friend, I said. She knew, she said itp.
Today I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm in search of... To seek his face I suppose. That he may see fit to let me lay eyes on, smell you, be held by you again.
No comments:
Post a Comment